A funny thing happened on the way to the crucifixion
by JoWoland
Summary: Howard and Vince play relationship counselors for their immortal friends. Will they make matters worse? Set after "The War, the Death..." and "An Afternoon at Topshop". T for language (I will not name it Comes a Horseman, I will not name it Comes a Horseman...).


** Another Boosh/Highlander Crossover. Because of reasons. T for language. Enjoy and let me know what you think.**

* * *

„Okay, whenever he does something extremely stupid, I just ignore it. He only does it for attention… Oh. Oh… No, I don't know how to dissolve a body in lye. Never had to. Uhm, we just let them lay there and get out. Okay, I see this will not work out with a waiter in a restaurant. Yeah, it's not about that, I now… Listen, do you want to grab some drinks so we can talk about it?" There was a ring on the door.

"How much time do you got?" Methos smiled and put down his cell phone.

* * *

"And let's not forget the whole ordeal with our sex life." "That bad?"

"None existent." "Wait, you left three months ago. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry."

"No need to. I sailed the Atlantic Ocean with a bunch of monks once. I can manage a dry streak. Yes and I'm aware of the fact that we were on the water." "Yeah, but I don't think your monks looked like Kronos and wore that amount of leather."

"You don't need to rub it in." "Sorry. So what's the problem then? He fancies you, you fancy him why don't you just…"

"Have it off?" "If you want to put it like that."

"Well, we didn't figure out who is the catcher." Howard looked at him confused. "Catcher? What for?" Methos raised an eyebrow.

"Oh. Right. Euphemism. Oh…" "Please, don't picture it."

"I can't stop, it's in my head!" "Better than in your hair." That was it for Howard. He laughed for 15 minutes.

* * *

After the incident at his local Topshop, Vince was glad that they opened another branch of his favourite clothing store. He was browsing the shelves when he was hurled around.

"We need to talk." All he saw was leather and a pair of mad eyes facing him furiously. "Oh hey Kr…" Kronos grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the store.

"Hey!" A shop girl tried to come to his rescue. "It's okay; he always greets people like this…"

"Maybe I should have a go on the steering wheel." "No need to." Kronos growled and drove even faster.

"Just a suggestion, because I know on which side of the road to drive…" Kronos gave him one of his "Be quiet or die"- looks. Vince just ignored it.

"Just a quick heads up: Not all of us can survive a car crash." The immortal growled again but then switched to the other side of the road.

"Thank you. Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone, that you did something nice for me." The corners of Kronos' mouth twitched. He took this as a good sign.

"What can I get you guys?" The bartender forced himself to smile at the pair in front of him.

"Flirtini for him. Whiskey for me. Leave the bottle. And go away." "So, why are we here?"

"Drinks first." Vince sipped on his drink, while Kronos downed another shot of Whiskey. "I'm gonna kill him. For real this time." _Boyfriend trouble,_ Vince should have known.

"What did he do?" "He ran away. I gotta chain him up, that turns into a running gag."

"I thought you wanted to kill him." "Maybe I do both. Just to make sure he'll never get away again."

"So, he left you?" "He said, he needed space." "Fucks sake." Vince ordered another Flirtini. This could take a while.

* * *

Back at the flat, Methos and Howard settled for drinks as well. Beer was their beverage of choice. Howard avoided any more of the sexual talk. He couldn't even speak to Vince about this topic and he was his boyfriend. But Methos was sort of a friend now and he really was bothered with his and Kronos' lack of intimacy.

"Have you discussed _it_?" "Not really. I mean we do su…" Methos saw how uncomfortable Howard looked, so he toned down his descriptions.

"We pleasure each other but it always ends in a struggle." "Uhm…" Howard's head turned red once more.

"Sorry to bother you with this." "Not a problem…" "How did you figure it out?" "What?" There was the eyebrow again.

"Oh, well. There wasn't really any discussion on that part. Besides, you've seen my boyfriend." "You are the catcher, right?"

"Surprisingly, yes." He cleared his throat. "It is not bad at all, once you get into it. I mean…" Methos snickered and Howard frowned. For a guy of 5000 years he was pretty immature.

* * *

It took a second bottle of Whiskey but Vince finally got to the core of his friends problem: Complete lack of shagging.

"So, to sum it all up, you're both frustrated and horny." "It is a little more complicated than that."

Kronos refused to believe that this was all. His name was the synonym of fear for centuries. There was no way in hell he suffered from a problem as simple as that.

"No, it's not. If you love him, you sleep him. I mean if he wants it too. Consent is everything these days." "How come you're smart all of the sudden?"

"It's shagging Howard. I get some of his brain power, he threw away some of his Hawaiian shirts." "That peach coloured one with the light green ferns on it?""First he tossed away. "

"Good. That gave me an urge to kill." "Everything gives you an urge to kill."

"Well, I was the Horseman of War." "Maybe, I mean, once you sorted your problems out, Methos will get rid of his hideous knitted sweaters."

"Hey, I like those." Not for fashionable reasons of course. They concealed Methos' body, so no one could see what glorious abs they hid, besides him. He shook away the embarrassing thought. He had to focus on his anger again. This was all Methos fault. He gave him this longing for company. He was a better man before the little shit infected him with these damn feelings. Yes, love was a _disease_. And the best known cure for that was a sword.

"I don't really like the expression on your face Kronos." Vince was still there, looking at him, slightly uneasy.

"I just realised what I have to do…" "No." "You don't know what I wanted to say."

"Yes, I do. You want to kill him. No Kronos. You cannot solve everything with violence and death threats. In the Aluminium Age maybe, but not nowadays." "Bronze."

"Whatever. The argument is still valid. What would your life be like without Methos?" "Less complicated."

"And?" "Dull." Vince shook his head and smiled. Kronos was such a drama queen. Even if he'd never admit it, he thrived on the chaos, brought on by Methos' presence. And in his messed up mind, there was no doubt a lot of love for his former brother in arms. Vince was proud of his deduction skills. Shagging Howard really made him smarter.

"So, no cutting off heads okay? Just talking, hopefully followed by an exchange of bodily fluids, and I don't mean blood. Deal?" "Fine." Kronos' mouth twitched again.

"Then let's go." "And where are we going exactly?"

"To our flat. Howard texted me an hour ago. Methos is there, with similar problems. Can you please put your "I'll kill you"-Face away? Doesn't work on me, I've seen the Grim Reaper and I know the way out of limbo and monkey hell."

"Monkey hell?" "Long story. Involves fox bumming and a man named Mr. Susan."

* * *

"So uhm, you never…?" "Nope." "Not even in Rome?" "You've seen too much HBO, Howard."

"Spartacus is on Starz." "They made that guy's life into a TV - show too?"

"You knew Spartacus?" "Knew him? That bastard stole my bloody horse and nearly got me crucified. And let me tell you, that is not a pleasant death."

"You were crucified? Why?" "Ever heard the story of Joseph and the Pharaoh's wife?" "Yes."

"Well in my case, it was the wife of a Roman senator." "Sorry."

"What for? You didn't put nails in my hands. Besides I met a good friend through that incident."

"Howard, have you seen my red turban…" Naboo stood in the doorway, staring at Methos. "Oh, hey Naboo, this is…"

"Uhm, my name is Adam Pierson, nice to meet you." "Aha. Sorry, I think I mistook you for someone I knew in the late 60's. Was your dad a friend of Jim Morrison by any chance?" Methos laughed uneasy.

"No, I'm sure he'd bragged about that." Naboo looked unconvinced.

"Okay, I'm going out now. Please make sure, that any decapitated bodies are cleaned up when I get back, yeah?" "What?" Howard asked, confused.

"The good doctor knows what I'm talking about." And off he went. "Did you tell him?"

"No. Naboo is a shaman. He has special powers and stuff. Maybe he read your aura…"

"No, you ballbag! I've seen him with Morrison and he cut another man's head off! That damn lightning destroyed my stereo!" Naboo yelled up the stairs and slammed the door shut.

"And he is also over 400 years old." Howard added. "So, Morrison is an immortal too?" "Not anymore."

"Oh. Was he your friend?" "He was my student. Back in the days when he was known as Lord Byron."

"Now you're just taking the piss." "Yeah, let's go with that. By the way, the boyfriends are coming."

* * *

"Well look what I found between the shelves of Topshop." Vince pointed at Kronos, who slowly walked up the stairs.

"I think it will go nicely with that vintage cardigan of yours, Methos." He smiled at Vince.

"Go, try it on, we'll be in the shop if you need us." He took Howard's hand and dragged him downstairs.

* * *

"So." "So." "Here we are again." "Yes."

"Can you contribute more than one syllable words to the conversation?" "Fuck off." "Nope. Try again."

"Why did you leave me Methos?" "There you go… Sorry." "For leaving me?"

"No, for the joke. I left because you treated me like I was your property, not your partner." "When did I ever…"

"The waiter in Paris who asked if I wanted anything else?" "He was coming on to you!"

"He was doing his job! That's what waiters do! He didn't offer to suck me under the table!" Methos wasn't angry, he was just sad.

"And even if he did, I am with you. You have to trust me." "Well, forgive me for having trust issues with someone who threw me in a well AND leaves whenever things get complicated!" Kronos sneered.

"What are they saying?" Howard whispered. "Something about sucking him under the table…"

"Under our table?! That is so unhygienic!" Howard Moon, germaphobe.

"Quiet, I can't hear a thing." Vince hissed. "That's funny," Methos yelled. "We can hear you perfectly."

"They will not go away, am I right?" "Not likely. Shall we switch the audio track?" "Fine by me." Methos started.

"You didn't listen to me when I told you what the problem was. You just went out and bought me a…" Kronos translated the words in his head. His Sumerian was a bit rusty, but did he really say: "Big shiny thing with spinning things for legs"?

"A car." "Right." Back to Sumerian. "You said you liked it."

"Of course I liked it. But that is not the point. I have to be able to talk to other people, to go out on my own once in a while without you going on a killing spree." Kronos just figured he meant that. He used a more elaborate description.

"You have to stop being possessive." "But I…" "You bandage me?" Methos asked, back in English.

"I love you. Those words sound nothing alike!" Methos grinned slyly. "I understood, I just them to hear it."

"Son of a dirty goat herder!" "That sounds so much better in Sumerian." Kronos repeated it and he was nearly smiling.

"I know I ask for a lot. You've been like this for a long time..." "You want me to change everything I am." "No, just the mindless murder."

"What if somebody threatens you?" Methos thought about it for a second, having his own personal bodyguard. It was tempting, but that would be just another excuse for Kronos.

"I can fight my own fights, you don't need to get involved." "So I'm only allowed to defend myself then."

"That's the price for being with me. Moderate violence and me, we are a package. I don't want you to rush your decision, think about it…" He couldn't finish his sentence, because suddenly there was another tongue in his mouth.

"What are they saying now?" Howard whispered. "I'm not sure, sounds like… Fuck. Oh yeah. Fuck. Just like that… We better go and buy some disinfectant. I'm predicting a messy outcome." Howard looked at him horrified. "My floor…" He whimpered as Vince took his hand and guided him out of the shop.

* * *

A few days later Howard received a text from Methos. "One week without murder. 7 pitches so far. Thanks mate."

Howard gave Vince a quick kiss on the cheek. "What was that for?" "I'm just glad, that my drama queen doesn't carry a sword."

"Hm, never thought about it. Might go well with my mirror ball suit, as an accessory, you know." "No way. I know you; I'm the one who has to carry it, if you get bored." "True. I'll stick to badges and hats then."

Howard smiled. All was well in his crazy, little world.

**The End.**


End file.
